Paris Is Ready For Her Close Up

By this point, I'm sure you're used to Paris Hilton The Serious Female Actor and are patiently awaiting the premiere of her first Serious (with a capital S, natch) movie, nay, film, The Hottie and The Nottie. This epic will surely bring our blonde celebutant into the highest echelons of acting and she will soon be sitting alongside the Streeps and Hepburns of the world at award shows for years to come. Which is why, of course, it's so shocking to hear that she may be (but maybe not!) acting like a bratty brat on the set. Here's more:

Paris Hilton, supposedly has been late arriving on the set of "The Hottie and the Nottie," and had trouble learning her lines. "Everyone is really fed up with her right now," said our tipster.

But producer Hadeel Reda told Page Six: "Paris has never been more than 15 minutes late. Everything is memorized. She's been very professional."

Hilton has been studying with Ivana Chubbuck, one of the top acting coaches in Hollywood, Reda said. "I think people are going to be shocked at how good she is."

Especially considering people are probably expecting her to spend the entire film dancing like an idiot, pulling down her top and spewing racial slurs. Nowhere to go but up. By the way, Ivana Chubbuck may be the best name for an acting coach ever.

Kitson Rolls Out New T-Shirt Concept

President Monkey heralds the arrival of Kitson's latest Paris Hilton-themed t's.
· Judge for yourself: Did Denise Richards bring some snow to the beach? Bonus: Telephoto lenses have rarely been used for purposes this disturbing. [NSFW]
· The Golden Cage: It's just like Big Brother, except it could go on forever and there might be actual prostitutes, not just the usual, fame-seeking kind you see on reality TV.
·Free Ignignokt! (T-shirt to follow, if there already isn't one.)
· There was a time in our lives when this news would have made us really, really happy. Now it just makes us want to put on Women and Children First and pray it's a hoax.

Britney Spears Begging K-Fed To Come Back

According to close friends of Kevin Federline, Britney Spears has allegedly been making late-night phone calls to K-Fed in hopes of getting him back. They also say Britney's relationship with Isaac Cohen is just a ruse to make Kevin jealous. Other sources say Britney is completely over him and that when they do talk it's about their two kids.

According to these sources, the reports that Britney will ante up $25 mil to K-Fed to end their marriage are ridiculous. One connected source says the $25 million figure is grossly inflated, "by 25 times." In other words, the bad news is that K-Fed will be a millionaire. The good news -- just barely.

I'm pretty sure Kevin Federline's "close friends" are really just him calling up reporters from his motel room and pretending to be other people. And after making up fake stories about himself he lies in bed crying, wishing he didn't have to save money for breakfast so he could order some porn. EDIT: I added some more pics of Britney Spears at Target because, well, they're funny.

Paris Hilton: Terrible Actor?!

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton have been having trouble on their respective movie sets. A source on the set of I Know Who Killed Me says that ever since she went to the Wonderland clinic, Lindsay Lohan has been trailed by a "sober coach" as well as an entourage, and has been "moody and is making everyone miserable around her. She'll be late and sometimes won't come out of her trailer." As for Paris Hilton, a source says she's been arriving late on the set of The Hottie and the Nottie and has trouble learning her lines. A source adds: "Everyone is really fed up with her right now." I'm not sure how this is news. I mean, sure, memorizing lines is easy for the average person, but expecting Paris Hilton to do it with the brain she was given is like expecting a mouse to build you a working rocket ship.